BPD Diaries: Work & Lackthere Of

There's a reason every college requires you to take a course on work-life balance and time management. Respect yourself & set yourself up for a better future.

Alright, so starting your own business is not easy. A lot of work goes into it with no return revenue-wise. The past 6 - 7 months have been the epitome of that for myself. I finally started booking clients and shoots, and now I am finally starting to make a lil' bit of money. It ain't a whole lot, but it pays some bills, and brother, that's badass when a business you created can do that. HOWEVER, the start-up was rough; there's no denying that, and even now, it's like work overload, but I enjoy it. Right now, I am working two jobs, one a graphic design job for a badass ad firm, the other a bartending job for a bitchin bar, and then my business. I work every day of the week. I fully anticipate that I won't have a full day off for a really long time. I was recently told by a very successful man, "If you aren't willing to work every day for a full year, you have no business starting your own company." Maaaaan, that hit. I live for reality and that was a heavy dose of it. All that being said, I still make time for Violet. We're just about 50/50 custody with her right now, if not 50/50, then right under it. I remember in my free time, I used to always play video games. Now I'm helping Violet play, and it's making some awesome memories. Aside from my nights with her, though, I'm trying to grow my company, and it does take a toll. It's hard to relax when you finally try to wind down; anxiety strikes brutally. I'll have a whole post over anxiety but long story short, if you work hard make sure you find time for your family because time marches on and we all know about the inevitable. You never want to look back and think I wish I had done this differently because ya never know if they'll always be there. Hey, it's not always death okay? Sometimes they just get sick of your shit and putting work before them gets old.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with BPD, well, I'LL FUGGIN TELL YOU! Sheesh. Work and BPD are a dangerous mix. Like Booze and pills. Sometimes, it can be fun, annnnnnnd sometimes, people die. When I say you go from being the boldest workhorse to the biggest slacker in a matter of a night's rest, I mean it. I've gone through months of just working hard for an establishment, going above and beyond, helping build it up, and then I wake up one day, like, "Yo, fuck this place. It's great, it pays my bills, steady work, I hate it.". At that point, I would be so annoyed I'd look for any and every reason to call in, and if I actually made it in, I'd be on edge. The petulance was ready to pounce. I know all of my close friends can tell you I've left some good jobs because of disagreements with the owners. Eventually, you have to look at yourself and say there can't be this many bad owners/managers, I'M the little shit in the situation. Even if things are bad, manage emotions better and make a two-week exodus. I left so many jobs with nothing planned behind it. Just up and left. Money would expire so damn quickly, then I'd be working from behind again. In every relationship I've been in I have caused a financial burden. If this is you, GET HELP CAUSE IT'S NOT WORTH DOING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!

Financials will be a whole other post cause I ain't got time for that tonight. Looking back on it, yes, BPD won against me, and again, I should have seen the signs. I'm doing better now, okay?! Kind of. Maybe? I'm working on it! My interactions with BPD have cost me some really good jobs and I don't want that for anyone. My BPD caused me to not be able to rest with the little time I did have to do so. However, it is my BPD and I'm going to be in control of it moving forward not the other way around. I suggest you do the same if you're following this journey and you see behavioral patterns. I'm watching you

Sidenote, thank you guys for all the support and for reaching out about your encounters with your mental states. It made starting all of this worth it. I am a safe place if you need to vent, talk, or do anything to help your mental. I am here. You are not alone. The next post will be strictly over ANXIETY. Getcha popcorn ready.