BPD Diaries: MIND PT.2

Now I know I said I would do the body next but here we are. I do what I want when I want and honestly, that's caused a lot of problems in my life.

but here we are. Still doing it

A quick recap of my emotions this week:

It's been a rollercoaster, I had someone reach out to me that I should have blocked but let them in only to have old wounds reopened. I made some promises though that I'd always be there for them and I always will so blocking them isn't an option but boundaries are. I have a big guard up now. I ain't gonna lie, it hurt like a motherfucker having those things resurface but I needed it. I needed it to see how much of a distraction it was and to stay focused on getting my business going even better than it is. Mania was spiked today, thought about being alone quite a bit, and psyched myself into thinking I'm unattractive, a lesser man. Thought about death a lot more than normal. Fuck, it really feels good to get this all out. Ahh.. did I leave anything out... I don't think so.

If you have these thoughts, it's okay. What's not okay is to let them dictate how you are going to handle the rest of your days and to let them keep you down. There's a bigger plan for all of us, I believe God has a plan for each and every one of us. Sometimes the devil tries his hardest to make sure it doesn't work. Don't fall for it! If you're not religious think of it as the force trying to make you a Jedi but the Sith is manipulating your brain. That works right? I'll ask the Catholic Church.

ONWARD!

Last post we went over some great coping mechanics, downloading the Ahead app again, (they need to sponsor me at this point), and overall finding motivation to do better and sticking with it. All really important shit. However, I did leave some stuff out.

Writing your feelings out is crucial. I know I touched base on it last post but it really is. This week I haven't been able to write at all and I can feel it. I was so tense today, mania was spiked, I just wanted to fucking scream at work. I used all the coping techniques and they did help. I still felt tense though. I couldn't think what it was. I mean, not getting laid in a while probably has something to do with it as well. Moving on.

The only thing I've done differently from previous weeks is not write and I can feel it. As I go to hit the next key for each word I can feel my body decompressing a little bit more and it's euphoric. I need this, you need this, we all need this, and writing is good for the soul.

So write your feelings and emotions out. It doesn't make you lame, it helps to get those thoughts out of your head and in a safe place. Unless you're a clown who puts their diary on the internet for all to read. HAHA!

Second, being disciplined is tough right? Odds are if you're making change you're changing your diet, way of thinking, old habits, and maybe even limiting screen time. You're rewiring your brain and that is a good thing. I'M PROUD OF YOU! We want to stick to this thought, the biggest turn-off to any change is not getting any happiness out of it and going right back to where we were.

According to the Ahead app

"10 percent of the world are self-aware to their own problems, less than that percent actually take accountability and make changes."

That's wild, isn't it? 10 percent of the world smells their own bullshit and less than that are willing to clean it up. That lets you know how hard all of this really is. You need dopamine or it's not going to work.

Small rewards are okay throughout this journey, in fact, they're necessary. Unless you reward yourself with crack. Don't do that. Really though, a cheat meal has to happen with new diets or even a cheat day. If not then the diet won't last. Using an incentive to have a cheat day as a reward is a great tool. Eventually, you'll be so healthy you won't be able to have a full day of cheat meals. You're body won't allow it and your new lifestyle is molded.

That same philosophy goes with your mind and habits. So find healthy things that bring you that serotonin release and reward yourself throughout your week. I would write down all you are doing or keep track of it that way you don't overdo it and end up addicted to bad habits again. Follow the 21-day rule and you'll be fine. After all, we all float down here.

Okay, I could go on and on and on about the mind but that could get dark quickly. Well.. maybe not. It would before but I actually think the mind is a beautiful thing now. I respect it so much more. It can be terrifying if we don't know how to harness our superpower of thought, but we'll control that and then the world will be ours.

WTF just happened. I used optimism in real time and now I feel warm in my stomach area. The thought of being proud of myself just released a wave of good in my brain and this really could be what happiness feels like. Holy fuck I'm here for it.