BPD Diaries: Happiness requires change.

If you're already enjoying life, great! If you aren't, do something about it.

Have I mentioned my new addiction is nature documentaries? Because my new addiction is nature documentaries.

I was watching one about South America (see it here https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000b9f8.). It had a segment over the Bonito river in Brazil. This river has springs gushing from the bottom of it which are filtered through rhinestone thus creating crystal clear water.

These fish here are called piraputanga and they are importante to this lesson. After the documentary shows the beautilful water, it takes us to a group of capuchin monkeys. They look like this.

So it shows the monkeys looking for fruit from the limbs of trees which are hanging over the river. That's important to the story so picture that when reading the rest. Two monkeys break off from the group and one is laying on a branch just keeping an eye out for danger while the other is looking for berries. He finds them. When he does all the piraputanga fish swam to where he is just waiting in the waters below. The careless monkey drops some berries while picking the ones he wants and the fish all begin to swarm the droppings. It's like 15 fish for one small berry. Once the fish know where the berries are hanging, they begin to jump out of the water tyring to grab a mouth full. It's incredible. All while this is going on, an anaconda is slowly creeping up on the monkey who's near the water. Luckily the one keeping a look out spots this and they get away. Segment over. A lot happened there but we have to understand why it was all possible.

THE CLEAR WATER.

You see, if the water had been murky and congested like most rivers, the fish would have never known where the food was dropping, the monkeys probably would have been eaten by the camoflauged anaconda, and we would have had nothing but negative effects from what was a positive situation. Except for the anaconda of course but fuck him, I'd rather a monkey live than a snake eat.

Anyway

We have to treat our minds like the water in this situation.

I know, it's a stretch, but hear me out. With a clear conscious, one good thing can lead to another which leads to another. If we cloud our brains with negativity and deceptive thoughts then we will manifest those outcomes for ourselves. I suffer from this quit a bit.

I honestly think it's the worst part of my BPD.

I'll but super excited about things and then slowly start fading into what could go wrong. I then begin to lose excitement which leads to not wanting to do said things and then it turns to dread. This has caused so many fights in my life. I've let down a lot of people because of this. That can all change though. You can rewire your brain to think more postive thoughts and be happier in general.

Yeah Tom Hanks, Really!

One of my favorite human beings recently told your mistakes don't define you. How you handle your future does. Grandma Rachel was right, lashing out and having manic behaviors is a reality of this illness but once you're aware of it, you can't keep doing it. You have to put your foot down to yourself and say hey man, quit being an asshole. (read my previous blog about it)

It's never okay to use your mental illness as an excuse for being a dick, being sorry doesn't really nurish past trauma you've caused, however, how you handle your future is everything. I'm not saying don't feel bad, trust me you will, and you should. Get fucking motivated after that sadness though. Like Big Sean said, "Last night took an L but tonight I bounce back."

We've made it through the realization stage and honestly that seems like its going to be the hardest part. I've accepted what I need to, aquired closure the best I could, and am moving up from here. In God of War 3, Kratos (the protaganist... and antagonist really) starts the game off with every ability possible only to have it all stripped away. He is then sent to Hades. Spoiler alert, He breaks out after kicking Hades ass and writes his own story the way he wants to and grows to be an old wise man who loves his son very much.

Let's be like Kratos. Now that we've made it out of our own personal hell that we've created for ourselves, it's time to kick ass and seize the day.

In the next string of blogs I'm going to be going over how to do that, or at least how I've done it thus far. It's pretty standard really

Mind, Body, & Soul. That's it, that's the formula. I'll spend a blog or two on each and we'll keep this train rolling! Awareness is the biggest thing right? Understanding that A, I am the problem and B, I can be the solution. If you truly belive that then you can make change. There's hope for BPD and it's not at the bottom of a fucking pill bottle. Although, let's be real, some of those pills are needed. They don't cure you though. They help stabalize your mood swings, that's half the battle and honestly half the time they don't work. So if we're dealing with a quarters worth of help and the problem cost a dollar, we need to come up with that other seventy-five cents. We can, and we will. I do feel it's important to note God has helped me quite a bit through this journey, I will make a whole blog on that when we which the spirit part of this all. For now, thank you God, I am so damn greatful for you.

For those that have been following thank you for enjoying my misery, no but seriously. Thank you. it means a lot seeing these post get traction not just here locally but all over the US now. It's an incredible feeling to have people reading these post. These lessons aren't just for those with BPD, infact, if you have been following I actually challenge you to incorporate some the upcoming coping mechanisms and behavioral changes in your life and see how they help you. I'd love to hear about it!

Thank you all!

Good in, Good out, Goodnight!