BPD Diaries: Petulant
- maxps1238
- Jan 3
- 3 min read
The four horsemen of BPD: Impulsive, Discouraged, self-destructive, & Petulant.
Right back at it again, hoping to get the same relief I did from yesterday's writing. Today was rough for no reason. It was a great day and work was awesome, just mentally not there. I guess that's okay, though. It's just part of all this. If I'm being real I had so many days like this, too many to count. Where everything went great for the day, came home to a great woman and a delicious meal and for some reason, couldn't enjoy it. It should have been a sign, right? That damn spilled milk. MOVING ON!
So, there are four types of BPD: self-destructive, impulsive, discouraged, and petulant. I'd love to get into all of them and maybe one day I will, but not today. Today we focus on petulant BPD because that's what ya boy's got.
According to American Addiction Centers, "This subtype fluctuates between outbursts of explosive anger and feelings of being unworthy or unloved. They have a strong need to manipulate or control others, and they become very possessive, which results in extreme dissatisfaction in their relationships." Ouch. My god, the accuracy there. It's terrifying. Now I know reading this, it's like, "how did he think this was healthy?" and the reality is, I did. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I thought I was just a bit overly passionate about stuff. Wild right? The problem is, you psyche yourself out so bad that your mind really thinks ungodly shit is true. Things that you know you should never believe. For instance, you're sitting there with your significant other, a phones pulled out. "Who are you texting?" I would question and try to cover it up like it was playful. Immediate regret would fill my conscience because how could I ever question the integrity of my partner, especially when they were so great to me? But what if... what if this one time they weren't? I caught them! Finally! I knew nobody's intentions were ever really good!!
This has been a reality for everything. Not just relationship instances but literally everything. Questioning the integrity of everyone and everything is exhausting, but you can't help it when you're convinced you're right and everyone else is wrong. People could make a joke about me, and I'd laugh it off, then an hour later think, "Well, could that be true? Nah, it's a joke.". 4 hours later, "Why would they say that if they didn't mean it?!". Twelve hours later, laying in bed, "I should ask about it because that's not cool. Nah, I just won't talk to them anymore." Seriously, I can't make this stuff up. The more I type it out, the more ridiculous it sounds. Hey, we live, and we learn right? I was always so worried about sounding like a bitch if I were to vent about it because that's not manly, but the reality is, I was the biggest bitch I could have been by not saying anything and continuing the petulant behavior.
Ahhh, this is a rough write but necessary. I always want to present myself as the cool guy with nothing wrong, but again, that's far from the truth, and I promised to be vulnerable, so here I am. Great, Googly Moogly, I really hope this helps someone out there! Sidenote: who admits all their wrongs and talks about themselves being mentally insane on the same website they are trying to sell their services on?! Wild af. At least those who book with me will know the real me.
How many times have you asked, "How did he not see the signs?". I got caught slipping, ALRIGHT!? But I'm back, babbeeyy, and it's time to regain control of my life and to finally move past all this negative shit. Now, there are plenty more instances of petulant activity in my life, but I can't just beat myself up all night and have a pity party. The whole point of this is to reflect, grow, and live a happy, manageable life. We'll get into some more brutal details later, but that's it for today's writing. The next one will be a happy one, I promise. I will also post a pretty informative video below about Petulant BPD, watch it, don't who gives a shit. Bleh.
Goodnight readers.
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