BPD Diaries: My Shiny BPD & Me

(If you got the Chip Skylark reference, I think we can be friends.)

Spooky right? Gooooood.

Well, here we are. I'm thirty years old and found out two weeks ago I have BPD. I was previously diagnosed with bipolar depression. Intersante' right? Muy Juicy. Once diagnosed with BPD, I became sad, pissed off, and indifferent. Then I stopped and reaaaalllyy thought about it. Yeah, that actually sounds spot on, doesn't it? I mean, those who know me, who really know me, you've probably seen the signs. You can't be in on-and-off relationships you're whole life and not be the problem. I've dated some incredible people, had some awesome jobs, had some phenomenal opportunities in life, and pissed them all away because of anger or other lack thereof emotions. Even in some cases, an abundance of emotion. The more I started reading up on Borderline Personality disorder (even saying it feels weird), the more everything just made sense. The fear of having a manic BPD fit when Violet is older and damaging our relationship scared me enough to start getting my shit together and get my psyche in line.

So, I highly anticipated bottling all of this up. I hate people knowing my business. I just want the world to know I'm happy. This is bullshit though. I don't have to explain depression in my first blog, we have plenty of time to get there and ya'll are old enough to know what it feels like. If you haven't felt it, kudos to you, probably don't read the rest of this blog. I'd hate to be your first time. I'm terrible with bottling things up and exploding, that's my forte and my downfall with a lot of things in my life. Don't believe me? Ask my baby mama, my last girlfriend, the one before baby mam.... anyway; you get the idea. If I want to be different, then I need to be different.

You see, when you hit rock bottom emotionally, you know something has gotta change. Especially when you've been there quite a few times in your life. Everything going great in your life and you manage to fuck it all up due to insane mood swings, fear of commitment, or the thought of death lingering so hard you can't enjoy anything in the present? Congrats you probably have BPD. (Psst... those or just three of the many special perks you get with this mind fuck of a gift :)) My recent fuck up was a brutal one. One I'll regret for some time but you can't cry over spilled milk, right? Clean that shit up and whatever your drinking next, enjoy it, savor it, and don't fucking spill it. Anyway, I'm writing this in hopes to help the next jabroni going through this. Maybe someone is going through exactly what I did, just blind to the symptoms and going through life a wrecking ball of madness. I want to help that person. Honestly, if I can reach out to one person and help change their perspective on themselves, then all of this was worth it. The rest of you can take this as an entertainment type of blog because booooyy will it get messy. 15 years of cluster fuck should make for some good writing. Luckily though, for all of us, there is always hope. We just have to be willing to put in the work.

BEING HONEST AND OPEN

have been a great start to this journey. Geeze that sounds like a name for a porno. Yes, I've been super honest with myself to the point that it hurts and I've decided to be open about how I'm handling everything. Went over why in the last paragraph but to recap, a quote from Henry Ford, "If we always do what we've always done, we will always get what we've always got.". Or some shit like that. He's right though, imagine explaining electric cars to that guy now? Holy shit that would be wild. That's my first bit of advice on this journey. Be honest and open with yourself and download a lot of apps to occupy time because doomscrolling is not it. The Ahead app is a great place to start, its like duolingo for emotions. Download duolingo too, learn a new language.

Well, this is going to be a long journey, and I promise, photography absolutely does work its way in here, this is just an intro to a much-needed open diary. I do hope to hear from some of you about your journey as well. Even if it's not BPD, please reach out to me about what you're currently going through, maybe there are some similarities there. I'm always a message away for anyone who needs it. At the end of the day, we are all we have, and we have got to have each other's backs through this life. My goal is to write at least once a week, but I'd be lying if I said writing this up hasn't been euphoric for me. For some reason, it's giving me confidence, and I honestly feel like a weight is literally falling off my back. Therapists do say to write everything down, who knew they'd know what they're talking about??

Till next time amigos, Have a great night and stay safe!