BPD Diaries: Contain Thy Inner Asshole

Listen, you can only be an asshole for so long before you realize how shitty you really are.

So, recently, the spidertail horned vipers have been discovered in Iran desserts. Just in the last couple of years recently. As if vipers weren't bad enough (and someone's going to be like "snakes aren't bad man", yeah, fuck you, yes they are), THESE vipers have tails that look like actual spiders. Their scales look like spider legs that can move, you read that right MOVEABLE SCALES, and the end of the tail looks like an abdomen of a spider. Don't believe me? I wouldn't either, trust is for suckers.

BOOM!

Goodnight, that thing looks like it slithered straight out of hell. The whole purpose for the evolved tail is so they can lure in prey. Birds think they're about to feast on a spider but in reality they're being tricked. The camoflauged viper waits till they get close enough and BAM. They strike. It's insane to watch, yes I have a video about it, yes you will see a bird get annihilated if you watch it, viewer discresion advised. Now go watch nature do nature things. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snxddjX0h8E&t=130s

Well, I'll tell you. Much like the asshole vipers, I have lured people in only to hurt them as well. I'm not proud of it. Currently, someone I care about immensley absolutely hates me. It's a terrible feeling. It was earned though. As much as you want to say sorry, Kratos said it best.

So let's get to the meat and potatoes of this blog.

Manage.

Your.

Emotions.

I still struggle with this, but, every day I do feel it gets better. This week has been trying me though, I ain't gonna lie. I'm 50/50 on behaving right when I should and I know thats not passing, but hey, it's better than complete failure. I've had quite the reputation for being an asshole in the past and I never really cared, UNTIL it started tainting my relationships. Now it wasn't all bad right? Anyone I've dated can tell you the love was real for a moment, then after about 3 to 4 years it seems like I've lost interest. How can you not take that out on yourself? I promise ya'll it wasn't you, it WAS me. I can hear them screaming now, "Go fuck yourself, loser!" lol.

Ahhh, what a life.

But seriously, when it comes to going through life with undiagnosed BPD, your emotions are generally a wreck and you do lose interest in things quickly. If shit goes stale and you feel that, put more energy in. Good in gets good out, thats proven for the most part. My problem is my mania would lead to picking up a new hobbie that I would try to make money off of and would result in prioritizing another thing over my girlfriend. I GET IT, I WAS AN ASSHOLE!! Yeah, that was terrible of me, but ,silver lining, I have started my own business and its finally started to make some money.

That still doesn't make everything right though. But that's why we're doing this right? So you can learn from my mistakes and I can be an open book about everything I've bottled up.

Oh, another thing! Pay attention to your arguements. If you're arguing with someone, really listen to them. Again, controll yourself so you don't lose it, that never ends well. Then actually digest how the other party feels. I was recently called a narcissists and my immediate thought was, "The fuck I am? are you kidding?". RED FLAG ALERT. Just a heads up, not believing your a narcissits is exactly what a narcissist would think. It was alarming after I pondered it. Whether it's true or not, (I'm aware I do have narssistic tendencies, I'm wokring on it with my therapist.) I acted in a way that made someone else feel strong enough to scream it at me. Thats pretty fucking intense. Their feelings are valid. Let's say even if it wasn't true, their feelings aren't any less valid. People feel the way they do based off of things we have done. If you've made someone feel a certain type of way, you owe it to them to listen and make it right. Maybe a situation can be misinterpretted and a fight can be squashed before it even happens. I just know now, next time someone calls me anything or says I made them feel a certain way, I'm going to respond with integrity and respect. Screaming and trying to fight back is done for this vato. And yes, I'm proud as fuck of myself for learning this. Life's going to get sooo much better this year.

Control your mania, control your anger, control your highs/lows, control your fucking emotions. I know it's not easy, I still struggle with it, but the more coping mechanisms I learn about, the more control I am getting. Where I was a month ago to now is a night and day difference and I can't wait to see where I am six months from now.

Last note.

Everyone's going to make mistakes, especially if you're wondering through life undiagnosed. You never want to be that person that makes jokes about knowing they're crazy yet does nothing to help it. It's not cool and you're going to cost yourself a lot of blown opportunities because of it. There's so many sources now to help, pick one and start learning how to manage your emotions better everyday. It's not an over night process right? Everyday you will see growth though and it's a great feeling. Afterall, we don't want to be like those asshole snakes with the spider tails.

Good in, Good out, Goodnight!