BPD Diaries: Anxiety. That's it. That's the blog.

We all get it; it got worse after the pandemic. Here we are, though, still getting it. Why? Because we suck. No, I'm kidding, but we are at about half way through our life's expectancy rate, so I mean, yeah—cause for panic, for sure. Anxiety, here we go.

Illustration by Gilbert Leiker, go look at more of his art at https://mothbot.artstation.com/projects/XByEmD. Some really good stuff

So one of the biggest tales of karma in my life has been telling someone to quit being a bitch about their anxiety only to think about it so much that it in turn gave me an anxiety attack later that night. Real story, I can't make this shit up. Fuck I am tired and don't want to write tonight. Okay, focus. here we go. Take two.

AS I WAS SAYING before I went and interrupted myself, anxiety is a terrible thing. It will absolutely make you feel like your body is shutting down 10 different ways at the same time, all while your adrenaline is skyrocketing. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was having a heart attack. It was just anxiety. ER trips and everything. I was that guy the ER doctors hate. Terrible, just terrible. If you're unaware, though, it is a terrifying experience. Especially when you're sitting there having a great day, then you get depressed, then your heart starts racing, and you get tingles in your arm and fingers. Don't google it if that happens to cause it's going to tell you, "You're just having anxiety, OR you're having a heart attack right now gethelpimmediatelyyouidiot.". It's a very unsettling thing and it makes everything worse. Luckily you can resort to this post now.

It really is a vicious cycle this one. Being tired can cause anxiety, yet anxiety makes us tired. Brutal right? It's much deeper than that, though. I'm only going to scratch the surface but there's a video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVJkf8IuRjE&rco=1 that does a great job of summarizing anxiety in 5 minutes. Give it a go.

The worst part about my anxiety is it has struck on some of the best days I've ever had. Just super happy in a good mood, and then boom. Wtf happened? Why am I feeling this way? Well now I know there was BPD involved as well but again, if you're unaware it's the worst feeling ever, and it is terrifying. Get checked out if you've ever experienced that, I promise it'll help. Everyone knows the basic symptoms of anxiety and yes it can feel like you're having a heart attack, that is part of it. That's what makes it so scary, the feeling of uncertainty for your life. But you're fine. Just breathe. There are so many great coping techniques that can be found on the Ahead app, it has helped me immensely. Since I downloaded it my anxiety has reduced quite a bit and when an attack flares up, I do the techniques I've learned and come back to reality. The silent but deadly symptom of anxiety is the stomach problems that come with it. My God my stomach has been so problematic the past couple of years and it is due to my mental state and poor dieting. Even when I would diet, I'd still feel bad and here lately I've noticed my stomach problems have been minimal. The connection between a happy mind and a happy gut is real, one can't be happy without the other.

Okay, I'm getting tired. The next one will be happier, I promise. This one was important to go over. I always try to end on a positive note so, take this! Anxiety isn't completely bad. It's a trigger warning to let us know shit's not right. Something is up and we should probably fix it. except for the times when it strikes out of nowhere. You can use anxiety to your advantage once you learn your coping mechanisms and you no longer turtle away in your shell. For instance, if you have anxiety about public speaking, having anxiety just lets you know you care about yourself enough to be embarrassed by a bad performance. That's a good thing, especially on a journey to better mental health. If anyone has your own back, though, it's you. Breathe, do the things ahead app teaches you, and crush that presentation. If you have anxiety about an exam, use it as a tool to study harder. You won't be able to rest knowing you aren't ready for the test; anxiety won't let you. Might has well make use of your time and study so you're good! Apply that same logic to what you can and you'll be gravy.

See, you CAN befriend your anxiety. You might as well learn to anyway, it ain't going anywhere...

GOODNIGHT!!!