Psalmverbs: Psalm 86:15

Did I take Proverbs & Psalms and mash them together to make a lazy conjunction?

Absolutely.

Psalm 86:15

"But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

This is a new project that I am extremely excited to get started on. As you can tell, I will be sharing Proverbs & Psalms with you guys (cue the eye rolls and sighs) in my translation and how they've helped me. Whether you believe or not, there is quite a bit of wisdom in these scriptures, and sometimes, they just hit right on with what you're dealing with. A true sign of God, if you will. I won't stray too much from the good book because, well, that's happened a lot already. It will be untraditional, though. Very actually. So, if you're interested in learning God's word in a way that isn't a Sunday morning service, please use me as a crutch.

We can use each other so hard...

What? Moving on...

This is an important project for me because religion has helped me through the darkest times in the last year, especially the last 6 months. If helping someone find the light like I did can make their life better like it has mine, then, brother, that's all I need out of this blog.

A Brief History

Years ago, I lost my faith. I couldn't grasp the concept of an actual afterlife or an overseer watching everything that he'd already known the ending to, everything about the idea seemed like bullshit to me. My life was always in shambles. I'd do good for a while and then fuck it all up. I'd blame God; I felt like he knew it was going to happen and thought it was funny. That kid with the magnifying glass and I was the shitty ant.

However, I was also an idiot then. Substance abuse, partying all the time, cantankerous attitude- everything about me was undeserving of blessing. I created the shitty life for myself and blamed everything and everyone around me with all five fingers on my hand. It was never Max's fault though, the world sucked and I was perfect just because I thought I was more talented than others.

That was my reality, though. Damn I glad I grew up.

When Violet was born, I had a bit of a coming back to Jesus moment but not enough to really give a shit. I was popping Adderall left and right because of misdiagnoses of my BPD. Well, I got the pills that way, I abused them because I was a jackass. I was always too high to feel anything. I chased that until one day I had an out-of-body experience from which I had no business coming back from.

I believe I saw the other side, and it's cold, blue, and REALLY fucking dark.

This still wasn't enough for me to believe; I pinned it off as a bad dream. STUPID, right?

God never gave up on me, though. I had always seen enough evil shit in my life to know that it was real along with black magic, shit terrified me but, I could never believe in God and his blessings the same way. All the while he was showering me with them and I'd piss them all away. I always bottled up how I felt about religion because I grew up in a religious household; on top of that, my grandparents were religious and even ran a church together in Northside.

One of the most Incredible things I remember as a kid was my grandma spreading the word up until she literally couldn't anymore. She'd be at the podium shouting the word of God and honestly, I had no idea what she was saying because it was in Spanish, but damn, did I feel every bit of it in my bones. My skin would tingle, and the hairs on my arm would stand up. I could feel it in my soul. It was powerful. It was beautiful.

My Beautiful Grandma

My reasons for doing this Blog.

From what I've been told and can remember, my grandma was a badass; I wish I had been around her more. Appreciated the time I was around her more, anyway. I was too young to care about anything that wasn't Nintendo or tater-tots. Gah, I was a fat kid.

Anyway, the reason I bring her up is that I know she'd be disappointed with a majority of my life choices, with very valid reason. I didn't start getting my shit together until the last 4 or 5 years here. The winds of change are coming though; I'ma make you proud Grammy. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to make you feel the same sensation I did watching you spread the word, so, hopefully, you're looking down with a big smile right now. Sorry for the profanity. I can't be THAT good. Takes all the fun out of it.

For me, myself, Don't fuck this up. Your salvation depends on it. All jokes aside, this is one of the boldest things you've done. I'm proud of you for doing this. Spread the word for those who need it most.

Lastly, for my sweet and precious Violet. I want to give you the healthiest introduction to religion because, baby girl, you are so blessed it's unreal. God's taken care of us, and we need to be incredibly grateful.

Psalm 86:15

"But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."

Read that again and know you're worthy of God's love.

Read it again and really believe God does love you.

God could have given up on me at any moment, but never did. I remember being in Crunch fitness one time listening to the Bible in a Year podcast, and it just hit with everything I was going through. It felt like Father Mike was speaking right at me. I broke down crying in the sauna and felt so bad about how I had been to God and how much of a shitty person I was.

It all just sank in for me, and then the hatred I had for myself vanished. Traces of insecurity remain, sure, but that deep, disgusting hatred, just... WHOOSH!. Gone. I knew I could be better, and this was my opportunity to do so. It felt like God believed this too.

I remember feeling this relief come over me, and it felt like he was there to pick me up. It was then I knew I'd be devoted for the rest of my life, with ARMS WIDDEE OOOPPPEENNUUHH! Sorry, God, the Creed reference was there, had to take it.

In my time of mindfulness, spiritual growth, and personal growth, I've come to realize this. God is going to help you as much as you're willing to help yourself. I don't feel he's handed me anything I couldn't handle and I feel like he's handed me my biggest blessings when I busted my ass for them. Did things with the utmost right intentions.

I truly believe God is going to shower you with blessings when you...

A. Forgive yourself for the past and start living for the present. Then, start setting up for a brighter future.

B. Quit being a lazy piece of shit.

C. Do things with pure intention.

D. Hold yourself accountable.

I'm sure we will touch base on those things QUITE a bit throughout this series. Trust me, though, my life has become so much better since I started digesting all of those key points. Well, since God's helped me see all of this, anyway.

Stay Blessed.