Psalmverbs: Psalm 63:1

It's easy to keep your faith when everything is going your way, keep that energy when life's a bitch.

Once receiving blessings, we almost expect them now. Let's not be assholes

Psalm 63:1

You, God, are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you,

my whole being longs for you,

in a dry and parched land

where there is no water.

There has to have been a time in your life when you longed for something. I mean really wanted it with every fiber of your being. Maybe it was your first phone on Christmas, you wanted it so bad but instead, you got a Gameboy. FUCK!

Right?

Wrong!

Gameboys are badass and you were being a little shit. However, that doesn't mean what you were longing for wasn't going to make its way into your life. You just weren't ready for it yet.

God's timing is everything, and when we begin to accept that and flow with his plan versus swimming against a tide, life gets better. YOU become better.

Now take that WHOLE scenario I just placed in front of you and swap the phone/gameboy with God. Yeaaahhh, shit's getting deep now. When's the last time you longed for God, not a blessing from him or something in return, just God himself?

You have me fucked up if you think I'm going to be handing out blessings to everyone who doesn't give a shit about my well-being. Wouldn't you feel the same?

That's me (the hairy Mexican) & Lisa (the ABSOLUTE BOMBSHELL). We made it, fuck, am I glad we made it.

If you didn't follow my other blog, let me catch you up. Max was a misdiagnosed mental fuck of a person who drowned all of his frantic, manic panics down with Jager and cocaine. As you can tell, this eventually becomes a problem and will ruin any household; it did mine. Lisa left, and good for her for doing so, nobody deserves to go through that shit.

However, we have reunited. Life's good, and fuck is she so beautiful inside and out. Spiritually, I mean, there's nothing attractive about blood and guts I don't think...

Why do I bring this up, because GOD that's why!!

MOVING ON!

I reconnected with my faith about a year ago so I wasn't a total dumbass, I was just very broken. I 110% believe God helped heal the parts of me that I would have never been able to do on my own. I also believe he sent Lisa to do the job the first time. I can't talk about a guardian angel without mentioning Lisa's tender fucking love. And dem juicy lips. (don't kill me, Lisa.). I mean, there were some really bad comedown nights, and she would just hold me and tell me shit was going to be okay, mornings I thought I was going to have to go to the ER, and she just loved me unconditionally through it all. She loved me for all my good and all my bad. Yet I still chose the drugs and booze; God had to have been big disappointed.

God and his magic played a big role in our break up though. If there was ever a time he said "You're being a jackass, quit being a jackass." this was that time. I had to start from ground zero. Reflect on what was causing my mental fuckage to happen, and then realize after therapy and all that good stuff, that I have BPD. That was the start of the rest of my life really.

I would go days without sign of things being okay and I just told myself, hey it's going to be fine. You've had no faith in anything until now, just keep busting your ass and things will pan out.

Then they would.

I started my own business on December 3rd of last year and have been full steam ahead since then. Times where it seemed like I wasn't going to make it money-wise would kill me, but I kept faith. I kept strong.

God believed in me when I was abusing and using that I would one day make it out so I'd be a fucking idiot to not believe things were going to be okay one way or another now.

Then boom, a job would hit. I'd have a bill paid and food in the fridge. I'd pray so damn hard and just give thanks. Then Lisa would text. These always shook me up a bit, but it just felt like part of God's plan. She'd then retreat, and I wouldn't hear from her for three weeks (lolol), but I had to tell myself she didn't owe me anything.

After numerous mental breakdowns, I'd tell myself, Appreciate the time that she did give you and continue to carry on.

It would begin to feel like David in the desert a bit. I just wanted that thirst-quenching drop of love from her. However, in this case, I hadn't earned it, and I didn't deserve it. I'd go on to realize how selfish it was of me to want so much more and not just appreciate that both she and God lined up enough to give me motivation till next time.

Eventually, I knew I would take those small victories and grow with them until whatever God wanted to happen would, till then I was going to be the best version of myself for him, my daughter, me, and subliminally Lisa as well.

So I walked the line.

I touched base on this a bit last blog, but, I remember having that workout in Planet Fitness and just being a whiney bitch. "God, I can't take her absence man. I can't do it. Maybe I just need to move on and start new with someone.". Then the very next song that came on went like this. (Jenny by Nothing More, which I had never heard of in my life and that song had been out for 10+ years.)

I don't feel like I'm getting through to you

Let me paint this clear

Life is short, my dear

See your mother here

Her last painful year

I wish you only knew

She stuck around for you

Maybe you should just fall

And leave the world and lose it all

And if that's what you need to finally see

I'll be with you through it all

I can't make this stuff up; It was explaining EVERYTHING on point. From God not giving up on me to Lisa's last year with me. It was the ultimate "shut up bitch and keep moving" I had ever gotten, and it worked.

There are so many more scenarios I could include, and I will throughout this series (sorry babe, perks of dating a blogger.), but for now, my takeaway is this.

We are going to go through hard times. We're going to go through great times. No matter what we go through, we have to look for and towards God for the right reasons. Aligning our virtues and values towards righteousness will always contribute to a win. Even when you think he is not there, he is. He's testing you. We have to be careful though, because trust me, the devil will try and come for you in your greatest moments, and we can't think that is God hurting us. We'll cover that in the next blog.... FORESHADOW

Trust God's timing, his plan is so much greater for us than we know, but also bust your ass when he gives you the tools to make a good life too. That shit ain't gonna POOF you've made it.

Good in, good out, stay virtuous, go kick some ass today.